Radios, Cheesecake, and Music Tastes
by greysgilmoregossip
Summary: What if Mark had come out to Seattle with Addison, and Derek had forgiven him? Would good advice from his best friend be enough make Derek finally reveal how he feels to Meredith, and make a choice that changes everything? (Finished)
1. Wrecked

**One shot. Alternate outcome of the beginning of Season 2... Hope you enjoy, please review!**

"Do you love her?" Mark crossed his legs, beer in hand, looking inquisitively over to his best friend.

Derek kept his gaze out to his vast land, all darkened but the lights from Seattle.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I do." There was silence between the two of them.

"Well, how do you know? I mean, not to blunt, but I, your best friend, did sleep with your wife. I mean, that's got to spark up something. You were looking for a distraction, for revenge, to show you could cheat too. Meredith, she's a distraction. A witty, hot distraction-" Derek shot a look at Mark.

"But she's a distraction.. Now, Addison?" He took a long swig of his beer. "She's the real thing."

Derek thought. He thought about the 11 years he had spent with Addison, how she'd been everything, she had been it. But maybe, maybe as crazy as it sounded, he didn't know what he was missing. Addison was always his equal. She fought back. She was as successful, as experienced medically. But she always seemed to seek more out from him then he was willing to give, more than what he could give. It was never about the careers, the cheating. He wondered where he would be if Mark hadn't slept with her, if he would still be in New York. Where Meredith would be.

"She's not a distraction. She's not. She's more. God, she's so much more," he shook his head.

"Derek, you're emotionally damaged. I've damaged you. You are in partial shock that your marriage is failing, scrambling for something to hold onto-"

"No." Derek rose to his feet. He laced on the trailer porch, closer to Mark's folding chair, then back away again.

"You know how I know?" He smiled. He knew finally.

"When I see her, I can't wait to know what she's going to say, to hear what horribly processed product she ate for breakfast. When I see her walking with her friends, I watch to see, to see her reactions to everything. How she laughs. How she mocks."

He sat on the edge of the porch. Mark watched him from a distance as Derek set his beer down.

"And she makes me crazy. God, she's impossible sometimes. And sometimes I think about the whole thing, like what's the point? But then I see Karev or some horny resident or patient flirt with her. And I get sick to my stomach. I see how she deflects them, like she used to do with me. I see them try to get in, to make her look at them. God, it drives me crazy, the thought of anyone else. The thought of any other guy getting to make her laugh, to get to play with her hair. To touch her. To hurt her."

He rose to his feet again, taking his beer up with him.

"And she's been hurt so much before, and that's only the parts I can get her to tell me. She's could make a list of all the people who've hurt her or failed her, it would be forever. It would be so long, so long I don't know how she keeps going." He set his beer back down, hard on the porch.

"To think I've gotten myself permanently placed at the top of the list, I- I can't live with that, I can't."

Mark watched as Derek paced around. He laughed.

"Dude. You're wrecked."

"No, Mark, this is called thinking. Some tend to do it before making a life changing future altering decision. You should try it-"

Mark laughed again.

"No, man. God, who would've ever thought, the great Dr. Shepherd would be on the end of some intern's puppet strings! I never thought I'd live to see that."

Derek turned to face him.

"Are you mocking me?"

"Can you blame me? You're here. In the woods of Seattle. Telling me how much you love a girl, so much you'd kill anyone who looks at her or hurts her. And you're trying to tell me there's still a decision to make? Dude, I'm telling you. You're wrecked."

Derek smiled. He couldn't believe he was this guy. That's she had turned him into this all consumed jealous woods man, who was madly in love with her.

"What do I do?"

"What do you _do_?" Mark gaped. "You tell her, moron. First you tell Addison you're finished, you sign the papers. And you tell her."

"Okay. I'll tell her. I'll tell her. I will."

Meredith was lonely. Not because Derek had left. That wasn't it. She was empty after, but never lonely. Her friends had made sure of that. But tonight, Izzie and Alex had gone out, George had wanted to learn some obscure trauma procedure in the skills lab, and Cristina was at Burke's. She wished for someone to be there, just to hear someone else walking. The house would even feel just an inch smaller, that would be enough.

There was a knock at the door. She hoped it was George with pizza, or Cristina. But it wasn't. She knew. She knew by the way the shadow from the front door light fell in the bushes. She knew who was waiting, waiting to be let in.

She pulled herself up off the couch. She stood on her side of the door for what felt like forever. She thought about not letting him, of leaving him to wait, like she had wait the whole day, during the train accident. She thought about it. But she couldn't.

"Hey." She opened the door. He was out of breath. He was disheveled. He wasn't wearing his heavy wool coat, nothing but his untucked wrinkled blue work shirt and jeans. In the cold Seattle night.

"What are you doing here?" She crossed her arms. She could hear his car running, why was he in so much of a hurry?

"Meredith, I-"

"Derek. I know."

"You do? Did Mark tell you?"

"I know you're sorry." She came out to stand on the steps across from him, closing the door behind her.

"What about Mark? What-"

"Meredith." He tried to find her eyes. He waited. She finally shifted to look at him.

"I'm here now. I'm here, I'm standing here, and I, I know I'm late. But I need to-"

"Derek, please, just-"

"No." He said gently, and took a step toward her. "This time, you say Derek and I yell, okay?"

"Okay, but-"

"Okay. I know I ruined everything, and I am sorry. And, and it was all complicated, but tonight- it's simple," he laughed, touching his hand to the back of his head.

"Meredith, I love you. I'm in love with you. I love _you._ And I know you're mad, and I know I screwed up and everything is all broken and messy, and I know you'll never forgive me. But Meredith, I love you."

He smiled. He kept talking, pacing now on her porch instead of his own.

"And I, I can't think straight, I can't watch you walk with anyone else, I can't watch someone else make you laugh, and I can't watch someone else love you. So please, please Meredith. Let me. Let me in, and you can yell, and scream, and use your ineffectual fists to teach me to never not tell you about any spouses ever again. But I'm not going to stop loving you. And I know I don't have a radio to hold over my head, and I don't have cheesecake, and I'm really not willing to pretend I like your music, but I love you. And I'm not going to stop loving you, even if you never say another word to me, ever. Even if you call me Dr. Shepherd forever, even if you give me dirty looks in the galleries. I love you. So please, please, let me. Let me love you, because I'm not sure I can keep doing this without you."

He looked up at her. She looked back at him. Her eyes were brimmed over, almost spilling over as she blinked to try to hide the tears his words had summoned.

"Derek, I-"

"Wait. I can't listen to you say no, or maybe, or later, or go away. So I'm going to listen to what you've been saying, I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave right now, and I'm going you give space and time and all it takes. All the time and space and nicknames and tequila you need to think. Because, Meredith, I've been thinking a lot, and I think you still love me too. So I'm gonna go. And I'll see you tomorrow."

She watched as he stepped off her porch, towards his car. She opened the front door to her house. She heard him open his car door. She heard him laugh, and say, unknowingly audible to her, "I love you!", as if proving his point to the neighborhood, and then laugh again. She smiled. He might be a jackass. But he also might be her everything. He might be her McDreamy, but could he be everything she dreamed of too?


	2. Anxious

**Decided to add a bit more, maybe a three part story? Please review with feedback, I'd love to hear about what you'd like to see happen next. Enjoy part 2, thanks for reading.**

 **-GGG**

"And then, he just left." Meredith threw herself down on the hospital bed. Cristina sat beside her, reading the newest issue of Cardiology Today. Meredith sighed. She looked around the tunnels, remembering her first day as an intern. She laughed, remembering how she thought it would only get easier. Well, the 48 hour shifts certainly didn't. Neither did having your boyfriend be your boss.

"Are you sure he wasn't drunk? Or high?" Cristina kept her eyes on her magazine.

"Cristina! Derek is a neurosurgeon, I don't thinks he's going around,-"

"Well, you never know. Everyone's got a secret," Alex sat himself down on the bed, welcomed by a swat on the leg from Meredith.

"Meredith, relax." Cristina said, putting away her magazine.

"I meant like, surgical. Had he mentioned any more scary inoperable tumors lately, or like, a bed ridden death sentence diagnosis?"

Meredith sat up and leaned back against the windows.

"I mean, how would I know? We're not exactly on friendly terms. Until yesterday. And then I think maybe, maybe for a second, I could talk to him without wanting to hit him or kiss him. And then suddenly, he decides to profess his love for me outside my mother's house in the middle of the night and then flees the scene!"

"I say, if he doesn't hate you enough to drive out from the woods, he's a keeper." Alex stood up. "I'm late for Sloan's surgery. Good lucky with McDroopy."

"He's gonna be either McDumpy or McMeredith soon," Cristina said as Alex left, and then stood up herself. "I gotta go."

"Cristina! I'm in a crisis!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm scrubbing in on a heart transplant, and the patient has this rare condition where-"

"Ugh. Fine. You go. Be surgical. Get all scalpel happy."

Meredith slumped down and stretched out on the bed. She closed her eyes. She could see him. She could hear him saying all the things she had been subconsciously hoping he would. But someday. She didn't think it would've been so soon.

She awoke to her pager beeping. Disoriented, she quickly stood up. She fled down to the ER. Bailey had paged 911 to everyone.

"Grey, your arm or leg better be hanging on by a thread for it to take you that long to get down here," Bailey and the four other interns were already scoping out the ER by the time Meredith arrived.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"And I don't wanna hear it. If you're so tired, maybe you should nap the day away. Down in the pit."

Meredith sighed. She begrudgingly turned away, watched her peers head out to the trauma bay. As she pushed the door open to the ER, a hand grabbed her shoulder. She jumped.

"Hey." She caught her breath, knowing the familiar voice.

"George, you scared me!"

"Sorry. Bailey sent me down to the pit too, most of the traumas expected ended up being shipped off to Seattle Pres."

"Oh. So you didn't miss your page?"

George quickened his stride to keep up with her fast meandering pace down the hall.

"No, just the luck of the Bailey draw. Were you on call last night?"

"No. Just couldn't sleep. Crazy night." George chuckled.

"Another rager of Izzie's?" He said jokingly.

"Not exactly." Meredith kept her gaze forward.

George jogged in front of her, and came to a stop.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Meredith gestured for him to move, but he stopped her from dodging him.

"I've lived with you and Izzie for long enough to know nothing means something. Come one. Do I need to fill you up with tequila to get you to talk, or just get Cristina?"

Meredith sighed.

"Cristina is in surgery." She looked at George. His eyes were prying.

"Okay fine! Derek showed up last night, when everyone was gone. At my house, and he- he told me he loves me."

George's breath caught.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

"What did you say?"

"Well I didn't know what to say! He just shows up, and springs it on me, and now I don't know what to do."

Meredith started walking again, and George followed.

"Well, have you seen him today?"

"No. I don't know what I would say. I don't know- can you just, like, tell me what to do?"

"Well, do you love him too? Have you told him?"

"I did tell him, remember? The whole 'pick me choose me love me' crap that makes me want to throw up."

"Did you mean it? Maybe it's good if it made you wanna throw up, maybe you just meant it, and it was scary, and you're just scared to tell him again-"

"No, I was nauseous and wanted to throw up after because I was hungover because he didn't show up, and I got drunk, and then he stayed with her. That was it. It was over."

"But now it's not. Right?"

"What?"

"You said was. Past tense, it was over, but now it's not."

"No, I meant just that it-he just-"

Meredith's pager beeped. She read the location, and her heart dropped into the pit of her stomach.

"Oh crap!"

"What?"

Meredith started to walk backwards.

"Neuro!" She broke into a run, leaving George to his sutures.

"Hi. I was paged 911 to Neuro, where's the patient?" Meredith, out of breath, asked the nurse at the nurses station.

The nurse hesitated, then lowered her voice.

"It's Dr. Shepherd, he said to page you. He said it was important. He's in room 301."

Meredith sighed. She could not believe him. Had he really paged her to talk?

She threw open the door.

"Derek, really?"

She froze. Inside the room wasn't just Derek. There was a patient. _Oh God. What did I do?_

"Hi, I'm sorry, I thought-"

Derek smiled. He had paged her. She had answered. Ready to talk. She was ready. Her timing wasn't ideal, but that wasn't out of the ordinary.

"Aaron, this is Dr. Grey. She'll be scrubbing in on your surgery."

She could hear him trying to suppress a smile in his voice. She picked up a chart, and crossed over to the opposite side of Aaron's bed.

"A tumor inside the frontal lobe?" She mouthed to Derek.

"You don't have to whisper," Aaron remarked. "I kind of figured it out when they shaved my head and all."

Meredith looked down at Aaron. He couldn't be more than 14, 15 years old.

"Right, of course. I'm sorry."

Derek turned around the the MRI scan displayed.

"Aaron has an extremely aggressive tumor which has grown, and is now encroaching on his optic nerve." Derek pointed to an illuminated spot on the scan.

"Until now, the doctors told me I'd basically be blind and dead. But Dr. Shepherd agreed to try and save an old tumor host like me."

Meredith smiled.

"Aaron, someone will be back to prep you for surgery in about an hour."

As Derek left the room, he pulled Meredith around the corner.

"Are you avoiding me?"

"What?"

"You haven't talked to me all day, you haven't called. Are you avoiding me?"

She smiled.

"Is someone getting anxious?"

He groaned.

"Ah, fine, yes. I'll admit to anything, any wimpy soft emotional act or secret you want, but please," he stepped closer to her, her back now pressing against the wall. He brought his face in, close to her's.

"Just out me out of my misery." He whispered. She continued to let him lean further in, until his lips were millimeters from her own, his eyes closed, ready to kiss her. She laughed.

"Oh my god, now you're mocking me?" He pulled away, trying to hide the grin spreading across his face.

She laughed again.

"No! Are you happy? I have not been avoiding you. I just have been either sleeping or assigned to Torres, or in the ER. And I haven't called because it's been less than twenty four hours. And that-," she brought her face in close to him, so she could feel him breathing on her cheek.

"-would be a little desperate, don't you think?" They both laughed.

"I hear there's an empty on call room-" he started, before she cut him off.

"Oh, not so fast! Your gonna have to work a little harder before I'm even thinking about an on call room."

The surgery was 7 hours long. Derek had watched Meredith through the glass as she scrubbed in, counting the seconds of the mandatory four and a half minutes to scrub. He had let his mind leave her for a while, as he dissected around Aaron's tumor, for a painstakingly unmistakably Derek Shepherd-level thorough dissection.

He watched as she began to scrub out. As she removed her scrub cap, as she removed her scrub gown. He watched her leave the OR. He waited. He stood, for several moments, thinking. He tried to figure out why he knew everything there was to know yet about the human brain, why despite the fact that he had access to the best global research centers; he was more fascinated, more mesmerized, by every move she made. Everything she said, everything she felt. Everything she was, what she was going to be, everything she had come from.

She stood up in the gallery. She watched as he stood in the empty OR. She was in love with him, that she knew. But after everything, after all that had happened. It had taken her months to think about letting him in. Months to think about the possibility of letting him stay in, letting him know her, all of her. But he had betrayed her. He had withheld. The whole time, as she had grown and grown and learned to share, he had been holding in something that he knew would jeopardize their future together. It was like she had grown so tall, learning to let him protect her. And then he had let a storm hit her and ruin her, without warning her. He had let her be torn apart, for everyone to see. So why was it different now? She couldn't hate him. She hated what he had done. But she didn't hate him. At the same time, she couldn't trust him. But she had to believe him. To believe in him, in herself. To believe in them.


	3. Trusted

**Part 3. Unfortunately, I will be without internet for a week, so I apologize if there isn't steady updates for a few days. I think this story has almost come to a conclusion. I hope you enjoy, sorry for any inconvience (I will try to write and bank chapters for this story while I'm away). Thanks for reading,**

 **-GGG**

"So you didn't kiss him, but you almost did, but you didn't," Cristina leaned up against the counter of the blood lab. Meredith rested her elbow on the counter next to her. She had just recounted the events of the past seven hours out loud.

"I just- I don't know what to do. I don't trust him, and I feel like I don't even know him."

The lab technician handed Cristina her lab results. She studied them.

"But you love him, right?" Cristina took a bite of her apple, flipping to the second page of her results.

"I mean, I don't know. Can you love someone you don't know anymore, who you can't trust anymore? Am I insane?"

Meredith leaned her back up against the wall, feeling the 14 hours shift taking a toll on her body.

"Oh no," Cristina muttered, her eyes remaining on her results.

"What? You think I'm insane, don't you?"

"No, no- well, yes, I think you're insane to take him back like nothing happened, without any consequences, but no; it's the heart transplant guy. He-"

A loud alarm interrupted Cristina. And automated voice projected the words, "Code Blue, Code Blue". Cristina rushed down the halls of the ICU. Meredith sighed. She looked at the clock, realizing she was about to exert the 80 hour limit.

She felt his presence in the locker room.

"Meredith."

She froze, and stopped rummaging through her locker.

"Meredith."

She turned to face him. He was leaning against the door way, smiling at her.

"Will Aaron have his eyesight fully recovered when he wakes up?" She sat down on a bench, and he walked over to join her.

"Yes. He's going to be fine."

"Good. That's good."

He placed his hand on hers. She kept her gaze forward, toward the lockers.

"Meredith, I've been trying to figure out what this means."

She sighed.

"I heard what you said that night. I know that you're sorry, for everything. But it's more than forgiveness, I just-"

"What?"

"Derek, I do love you, and I want to trust you. But I don't know if I do, right in this moment. You walked away. And you kept this huge secret. And I told you mine, I let you in, and then you shut me out. Do you know what it's like, to find out, this whole time, you have already promised yourself to someone else? How am I supposed to trust you again when I watched you have no problem toying with both of us?"

Her words hung in the air, stinging. God, he hadn't realized selfish he had been. To think she would come back to him right away. He had left. In her eyes, understandably, it made him no different then her father.

"Can we do this if I don't trust you yet?" He saw a single tear running down her face. Her eyes looked conflicted as she finally met his gaze,

"Meredith. Let's take time. Let's let things stay the way they are. And I can get to know you again, and you can get to know me again, no wide in the picture. And we'll see."

He watched her hesitate, her mouth trying to form an answer. He continued.

"However long it takes. Whether it's tomorrow, or next week, or next year, I don't care. I can wait, I'll wait, for you to learn to trust me again."

She took a shuddering sigh in.

"Okay." She whispered. A familiar smile crossed her face as she stood up and slung her purse over her shoulder.

"I seem to remember you still owing me a steak," she said playfully. "And a bottle of wine."

He laughed. "Let's go."

He held the door open for her, and they left the locker room. Walking hand in hand, they strolled to the lobby, attracting many whispers and looks from the nurses station, from interns, even residents who watched them pass. Derek felt Meredith tense up, vulnerable to the looks and the stares again. He knew, without even looking at her, but by the grasp of her hand, that she was questioning them again.

He stopped walking.

"What? Did you forget something?" She asked.

"No. I've got everything." He suddenly placed both hands behind her head, pulling her into a deep kiss. He kissed her until he was sure she wasn't thinking about the whispering interns or judging residents. They stood in the lobby. Her hands dropped to his hips. He felt her relax into him again, as the fear melted away, just for a second.

"What was that?" She said breathlessly, as they pulled apart.

"Nothing. Just giving them something to stare at." He grinned, and a smile spread across her own face. He put a strong arm around her shoulder as they left the hospital, out into the open Seattle night.


End file.
